Asgardians of the Galaxy
by Lily Lindsey-Aubrey
Summary: Two miscreants take swashbuckling to the next level in this brilliant production from Odinson Bros. Studios. NO ONE gets away with disobeying Thanos, and Loki and Ronan are definitely not going to be the first ones... unless they can settle their differences and join each other in a desperate and ludicrous attempt to flee Thanos' wrath.


**Asgardians of the Galaxy  
** by Lily Lindsey-Aubrey

 _Once upon a time there was a demigod named Loki. All Thanos wanted him to do was get the Tesseract for him, but could Loki do that simple task? Noooo. So Thanos chased him across the galaxy. And Thanos would have caught him. Only, Loki wasn't alone. Ronan was also running from Thanos; and two are stronger than one._

 _But this story starts before Loki and Ronan are running for their lives. It begins when Loki, self-proclaimed Rightful King of Asgard, left his home and his family and ran away for the first time..._

* * *

 _Author's Note: Originally this was going to be serious. But I got three lines in and started talking about Thanos' swivel chair, so scrap that. Some things you ought to know: I don't think Loki is misunderstood. I do think that Odin is a nice dad. Just because I am writing a Loki fan fiction does not mean I am a Loki fangirl. The way I portray Loki may not be the way you think I should. This is kinda-sorta an alternate universe story. I'm trying to make it fit with the movies and the movies' time frames, but I like to throw in goofy stuff like swivel chairs and people surviving who are actually technically dead. That's why Ronan is still running around._

 _Disclaimer: I do not own Marvel, Stan Lee (let's see if you can find his cameo in an upcoming chapter), Doctor Who, the Marvel Cinematic Universe, or anything else that is owned by someone else. I write this for fun, not for profit. My pay is laughing at my own puns and somehow making other people laugh along with me. Please do not sue me. I am poor. You will get like two pennies._

 _I hope you enjoy my story! :)_

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 **Chapter 1. Is Torture Really Necessary Here?  
** _Time: Directly after the events depicted in Thor_

Loki was feeling grumpy and angsty. It's not very fun to suddenly find out that you just destroyed a world for _nothing;_ he had thought Odin would be happy. It was so aggravating! And then his brother had to go ruin everything, after all. Loki stomped over to a rock and sat down on it with an angry thump.

"It's not fair!" he yelled into the black sky. Suddenly lights blinked on. "What is happening?" he asked no one in particular.

A figure, dark and menacing, suddenly appeared. It was the Other.

"Hi," he said. "You here to see Thanos?"

"No," said Loki, "but I might as well. Where is he?"

"He's busy," said the Other. "What do you need him for?"

"I dunno," said Loki, shrugging. "I feel kind of like taking over a planet. But I kind of need a buddy to do that with."

"Thanos is too busy for that," said the Other, "but he's got plenty of time to torture you. Please step this way."

Loki made a grumpy cat face and started to run, but the Other's chitauri guards were too fast for him. He was soon bundled into a large burlap sack and carried into Thanos' torture chamber.

"Put him over there with the rest," said a voice. "I have five more to do yet."

"What's going on?" Loki asked angrily. "I can't breathe in here."

"Um, yeah, the point of torture is that it hurts," said the voice. "Do you want your turn first?"

"I am a god," said Loki loudly, "and I will not be bullied by-"

"I am immortal," said the voice, "and I will not be talked to by puny gods!"

"Puny?" Loki snorted. "Your face is puny! Let me out!"

"Fine, then," the voice sniffed, "I _shall_ torture you first. Get him out of there!"

The chitauri roughly pulled the sack off of Loki and dragged him to his feet.

"Lemme go," said Loki grumpily.

"Now," said the voice, which turned out to be coming from a tall figure with a face of black and blue, "how do you wish to be tortured? Hot pincers? The rack? Thumbscrews?"

"How about 'none of the above'," said Loki.

"Not an option. Take him to the rack!"

"Oh, no you don't," said Loki, disappearing and reappearing behind the Kree. He gave him a sturdy thump on the head.

"One does not simply strike the mighty Ronan!" yelled the black and blue man. He lifted the hammer he was carrying and swung it threateningly at Loki.

"You remind me of my brother," said Loki, dodging expertly. "I hated my brother."

"What are you talking about?" asked Ronan, chasing him around in circles.

"Do you not realize who I am?" Loki screeched, narrowly being missed by Ronan's hammer. "I am Loki, the rightful king of Asgard!"

"Wait," said Ronan, stopping dead in his tracks. "Does that mean… does that mean I remind you of Thor?"

"Well, yes," said Loki, shrugging.

"HOW DARE YOU PUNY IMMORTAL," shrieked Ronan, brandishing his hammer with vigor renewed. "How DARE you compare me to that pathetic excuse for a hammer wielder!"

"Ehehehe," said Loki, and ran for his life.

Unfortunately, he didn't pick a good direction to run in, and found his face smashing in the nose of none other than the Other.

"Ow," he said, rubbing that sensitive part of him and glaring at the Other.

"Eek," said the Other calmly, attempting to straighten the aspect of his face which had been so rudely and suddenly bent out of shape.

"Kill him," Ronan seethed.

"I will do nothing of the sort," said the Other. "I just talked to Thanos, and he says that maybe we can let this Asgardian take over a planet after all. He seems weak and helpless, but apparently Thanos has a clever plan."

"Typical," said Ronan, throwing his hammer to the ground and his hands up in the air. "Every single time I want to kill someone, Thanos has to come and mess it all up! Why can't I have anythiiiiing?"

"I feel you, bro," said Loki, sighing. "That is exactly like my brother! He's such a goody-two-shoes."

"Thanos is such a baddy-two-shoes," said Ronan, sighing. "Wait, why am I deigning to speak with you? I must be losing my mind!"

The Other coughed. "You did that long ago," he muttered. "Alright, you two," he added, clapping his hands, "let me describe to you this thing."

"I make my own plans," said Ronan and Loki both at once.

"Speaking of things that aren't options," said the Other, rolling his eyes. "Loki, Thanos has told me that there is a nice little planet all ready to be taken over by you, and he will even give you a nice little army with which to conquer them. All he wants is one thing in return: a little blue box-"

"Nope," said Loki. "Not on your life. Not doing Gallifrey if it would kill my brother."

"Not _that_ blue box," said the Other impatiently. "I mean a cube. Now, how you decide to take over the world is none of our concern; but if you don't give Thanos the cube, I will see personally to it that you will regret it."

"What about me?" asked Ronan.

"You are supposed to be getting ahold of the Orb," said the Other, "but you have to finish torturing all the creatures in our dungeons first. We're running out of space!"

"There is tons of space!" said Ronan. "We're _in_ space! How can there not be enough space?"

"It's a Thanos thing," said the Other. "Don't question his methods. And you are not allowed to go after the Orb until _everyone_ has been tortured!"

"That will take foreveeeeeer," said Ronan, sinking to the ground and leaning on his hammer. "I'll _die_ before I finish!"

"Too bad," said the Other, and stalked off. "Follow me, Loki," he called. "I will teleport you to the planet that will soon belong to you."

Loki followed him, making faces at the Kree over his shoulder. Ronan scowled.

* * *

 _You know, this is kind of really sad. Poor Ronan! If only he hadn't had to torture all those people, he would have been able to get the Orb and all before the Guardians of the Galaxy had gotten in the way. I think it was Thanos' evil plot so that Ronan wouldn't end up with the Orb... Oh dear. I'm making headcanons off of my own story. What next?_

 _Please leave a review and let me know how you liked it!_


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